*The Wife's Grammar* Coincidentally, a glass slipped from my hand, fell to the floor, and broke. My wife instantly shot an accusation at me like an arrow: "You ALWAYS break glasses!" In reality, before this, I had broken only one glass, and that too during the early days of our marriage—meaning about fifteen years ago today. If an event occurs only twice in fifteen years, can it be called "always"? But feminine logic has its own weights and measures. Furthermore, this accusation of "always" was not leveled against me solely regarding breaking glasses. The same charge sheet has been applied to several other fairly innocent actions of mine. "You ALWAYS leave the bathroom tap running!" Although this mistake might have happened only three or four times in fifteen years. "You ALWAYS lose the wardrobe keys!" This crime had been committed only once. "You ALWAYS forget to put petrol in the car!" This mishap hadn't happened even once; the car simply sputtered, and Her Ladyship suspected that the petrol had run out. But no, the lady does not use the word "always" just out of habit. Had that been the case, there are a few occasions where this word could and should be legitimately used, but God forbid she ever lets it touch the tip of her tongue. For instance, on the first of every month, I hand over my entire salary to her. Yet, to this day, I haven't heard a word of praise from this gentlewoman's mouth; it never slipped out that "You always bring your salary and place it in my hands." Instead, what she says regarding this is: "Good heavens! When will the month end so I can see the face of a few pennies?!" Similarly, it has been my routine to take her to the cinema every week to watch a new movie, but God forbid she ever noticed this "always." On the contrary, she complains: "Alas! It's been almost a whole week since we watched a movie!" God knows how she swallows her favorite word "always" on this subject! One day, I was sitting in the drawing room smoking a cigarette when, accidentally, a little ash fell onto the carpet. My wife immediately threw an accusation. "You ALWAYS flick ash on the carpet!" I said, "I don't deny that ash falls occasionally, but if I always flicked the ash of my forty daily cigarettes onto the carpet, then in the past fifteen years, a heap of about eleven tons of ash would have accumulated in this drawing room. And in that case, this drawing room would look like a coal center instead." But instead of realizing her mistake and offering an apology or a simple excuse, she said: "Would that much ash really accumulate? Then it’s a good thing I managed to clean the carpet every single day!" As if Her Ladyship took the credit for hauling eleven tons of imaginary ash into her own lap. A few days ago, when the office closed, I sat in the car with the intention of going home, but the engine gave up. Inevitably, I left the car at the office and headed home by bus. I reached home from the bus stop, but the moment I stepped inside, my wife yelled: "You ALWAYS enter the drawing room wearing mud-covered shoes!" This was the last straw on my back. At that very moment, I made a decision, and according to this decision, now: I always flick my cigarette ash onto the carpet, and my wife actually has to pick up this ash, due to which she has a permanent complaint of back pain. I leave the bathroom tap running every single day, and she keeps running to turn it off. Every day, I temporarily hide the keys so that Her Ladyship gets flustered and remains flustered for a while. Wherever I find mud, I smear it on my shoes and walk into the drawing room. She falls at my feet, saying, "For God's sake, don't do this!" I close my eyes for a while and enjoy the moment. In short, my wife has now abandoned the use of those accusatory sentences containing "always." Now her favorite phrase is: "You never used to do this before!" By the way, I will stop doing these things, but not for a few days yet, so that this lesson is thoroughly ingrained in Her Ladyship's mind. Calling one or two instances "always" is incorrect, neither in terms of reality nor according to grammar. The latest news is that my wife's grammar is improving very rapidly. (Adopted/Quoted)
